My First Battle With Imposter Syndrome

I believe that the first time I ever heard the term "imposter syndrome" was last summer before medical school on Twitter. I had no idea what it was, so, of course, I Googled it (like many of us do when we encounter something unknown and new). Basically, it refers to when someone feels like their accomplishments are inadequate for whatever reason and fear that they will be exposed as an imposter and humiliated. (If you want to read more about this, here is a pretty good article https://time.com/5312483/how-to-deal-with-impostor-syndrome/).

When I discovered the definition, I wondered why any doctor would feel such a way. I mean he or she has conquered medical school and residency and has the knowledge to prove it, right? I didn't really understand the term. Oh, but that changed this summer.

I have had the wonderful opportunity to move back to Birmingham for the summer to research with a local hospital. The research centers on the specialty that I would basically sell my soul to go into, but that's another topic for another time.

I took my final exam on Friday, May 31 and moved back to start research on Monday, June 3. In order to start the research, I had to go to the main hospital to fill out some paperwork. I was almost to the hospital early on that Monday morning when I experienced Imposter Syndrome for the first time. I was watching all of these doctors, nurses, and medical students walking across the street, and all of a sudden I had this gripping anxiety. My mind kept freaking out that the MD students were going to make me look like a total fool and why did I believe that I could do this? I PANICKED. I can only imagine what my face might have looked like to the person in the neighboring car at that red light as I have a bad habit of showing my transitioning emotions on my face like a billboard.

In a second I remembered that term that I had looked up the previous summer. And then it hit me. I have finished my first year of medical school. I have worked my butt off to get where I am, and I have the knowledge to show that. Just because I am a DO student does NOT mean that I am lesser than another medical student.

I wish I could say that the experience at the traffic light was my last (for a while), but I think y'all know that it was not. So my research group has a team meeting every Monday morning. Well, one of the current projects was to edit videos for publication. I have done video editing in the past for school and extracurricular projects, but I figured that I probably had the least experience out of everyone at the table. I felt that I would look like a total idiot if I spoke up about what I had done in the past. When the doctor asked who had experience in the subject, I did not volunteer. I only offered to transcribe the videos. Soon it became clear that out of the members working on the project that I had the most experience with video editing software and how to make the videos look as professional as possible. After these two experiences, I am trying to actively trust my accomplishments and knowledge. I shouldn't sell myself short. I am working on being bolder. I am always willing to admit when I do not know something, but I should be just as confident to speak up about what I do know.

So, my lovely people, trust in yourselves. Trust what you have done and what you know. Believe in yourself. You can always ask for help from those who know more, but don't deprive yourself of an opportunity because of self-doubt.

Oh, self-doubt... I could write a whole topic on that, but y'all will have to tell me if y'all are interested in something like that.