It's the Little Things

Hello y'all, I'm taking a quick study break to share a few that I realized earlier this afternoon. A year ago I was in a completely different headspace. I had just ended a relationship that would take me months to realize just how toxic it was. I still struggle some days with the psychological and emotional abuse from that time. It's amazing how one person can make you feel like you aren't good enough or feel bad for talking too much or not enough. He really did something to my self-esteem. Anyways, since I believe that music can share emotions better than most prose, I decided to share a few songs that really resonated with me during the fading time of that relationship and the months after it ended. There are four* that really speak to the situation that I found myself in, but all of them contain emotions that I really felt during that time. Potential - Danielle Bradbury* Wrong Direction - Hailee Steinfield* I Have Questions - Camila Cabello I Love You's ...

Hello all! I hope you are doing well or the best that you can be during these crazy times. If you do go out, please wear a mask and social distance. It's the polite thing to do and helps keep everyone safe. Life has changed exponentially for me over the past several months. There have been so many highs and some lows like always. Well, I found out where I will be going for my third year! Y'all, the unveiling day was something. We had to move the celebration to our auditorium that day because there was a threat of tornadoes. (Typical Alabama in March.) In the weeks leading up to the event, all of my friends kept telling me that I was definitely going to get my first choice as it was a small, rural Alabama town. On that Thursday morning, when my entire class was opening their envelopes with screams of happiness, I opened my envelope with a gasp of disbelief. It wasn't my first, second, or even third choice. I was stunned. There were so many amazing things about my fourt...

Hello all, It's been a while since my last post, and I hope everyone has had a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, or happy holidays if you celebrate something else. This past year was an emotional rollercoaster for me in so many ways. I lost a long-time mentor and friend in January due to cancer and had to walk away from various relationships, both romantic and platonic. And as you can see from my last two posts, I really struggled with those evolving relationships. 2019 really taught me about my relationships and how they affect me. We always hear phrases about our inner circle of people or friends, but we just assume that we have the best people around us at all times. We don't really double-check ourselves. Or if we do, it is after a long, rocky relationship that takes a mental toll on ourselves. I'm too trusting. I will readily admit that. I will open up to almost everyone, even if those people have plans to knife me in the back with that information. That is some...

On this lovely evening before my twenty-fourth birthday, I have been thinking about what this past year has brought me. I had some amazing experiences and gut-wrenching lows. Friend groups were formed, like the one that was described in the beta fish adventure, and the same ones demolished. It has been a year for sure. And to those people who were in my 23rd year, thank you for your impact in my life. If I had to describe 23 in one word, I would choose growth. I grew in many ways that surprise me now, yet I still have so much more to work on. However, I make no apologies for who I am. I am human. I make mistakes, yet I give everything I have. I work hard. I care too much, too much to the point that I lose friends. And I am learning that maybe those people weren't really my close friends in the first place. I saw a quote the other day that said: "I'm not perfect, I'm limited edition." It has been resonating with me recently. I will never claim to be perfect. I ...

I am so incredibly cranky when I don't get enough sleep. And for those of you who have seen me like this, I apologize. I am a jerk. Recently, I have not been sleeping well at all. Last night was the latest non-sleeping venture. I think I might have managed 3 hours of actual sleep instead of staring at my ceiling. So when I finally gave up on sleep and got up at 4 to meet my best friend, I was in a mood. I was complaining about EVERYTHING in my head. I was being a drama queen honestly. There I was early this morning in a crappy mood standing outside while I waited on my best friend to pick me up to go to the gym. Since it was so early in the morning, the sprinklers were on at my apartment complex. So as I dodged the sprinklers, I noticed this tiny little shape in the street light. It was a toad. Y'all, this toad was getting absolutely pelted by the sprinklers. But he just kept sitting there. Honestly, he seemed okay with it. Yes, he was probably getting his water for the d...

Dear lovely girl of just sixteen May you always chase all your dreams.   Your plans and that timeline didn’t work out,   But those are not the things to fret about.   The roses came with thorns And the sky turned to storms.   But still you will prevail   And oceans, you will sail.   I wish that I could tell to you That adult you wouldn’t be blue That you would find true love by twenty-two But oh, baby girl, I won’t lie to you.   The bad heartbreaks still come. The mistakes are still dumb, But may you have your hope.   And never dull your scope.   Dear lovely girl of just sixteen, May you always chase all your dreams. Be your own hero in your life story And fight for all that your heart deems worthy.   It has been a while since I've written any poetry. I had an old friend inspire me when she mentioned how she wanted to write a song to her former self. The more I thought about the ...

One of the things that the Lord has really been working on with me is just to be still and just spend time with Him either in prayer or His word. To be honest, I am TERRIBLE at it, which is probably why He keeps teaching me why I need His stillness and rest. Medical school is challenging on its own. You have some days of 8-5 classes along with all of the studying and assignments that you have to complete. Then add in the clubs and the organizations that you are a part of for fun and support. Next, add the volunteer opportunities that you want to complete and help out in the community. But what about social time with friends and family? If you can add it in there, great. And what about sleep? Sleep is for the weak. JK, sleep should be a priority, meaning that something else is going to be pushed until the next day. Basically, life in medical school is insane, absolutely insane. I have a bad habit of going at about 150 mph all day, every day. From the moment my alarm goes off in the ...

This past summer was the absolute best summer that I've ever had for so many reasons. Yet, in the midst of all of the adventures and experiences, I struggled with the ending of a relationship and other emotional tolls. My prayer throughout the summer is that I would not feel the pain. And God listened. About a week ago, I started feeling all of those postponed emotions. I don't know why God chose that time, but He did. It's ironic that I didn't want to feel anything over the summer when I had so much free time, but now I feel everything in the midst of medical school and the little life that shines through. I have always connected with music. For some reason, various songs seem to be able to verbalize my emotions and what I am going through better than my own words. When everything happened, "Dear God" by Hunter Hayes captured the internal struggle that I had with God. I had to trust that He knew best. I had to obey. But still, I questioned Him. I still ye...

I am not the best at being patient in various situations. I see a goal, and I run towards it. A week ago I met someone that said the "right" things and seemed to be what my heart has recently been longing for. Instead of waiting to see if that person was in God's will for me, I jumped in fully. Oh man, sometimes when I just assume God's will for my life and slam open a possible door, I believe that God just lets me have what I think I want. He definitely did in this instance to remind me to wait on Him and be patient in this season of my life. Anyways, this guy seemed nice and great at first. He probably will be great for some other girl, but not me. I would describe the whole thing as a fling, but does talking even count? Who knows. Well, various jokes, comments, and then a whole discussion made me realize that I am DEFINITELY not ready for any kind of relationship, especially with him. I think that the final straw for me was when he made a joke out of something th...

Strength. Change. Connection. Those are the three words that I saw in one of those little games that you play on Facebook or Twitter where the first three words that you see in a Wordsearch are the words that describe your current situation. Typically, I find the words, chuckle, and immediately dismiss them. This time was different. These words made me self-reflect. This past summer was one of great change in my life. I stepped out in faith to obey God. I embraced new experiences like white-water rafting and being extraverted with my friends. I made choices that have made me into a better person. One of my good friends here at medical school speaks her mind quite regularly. I love her for it as I appreciate her bluntness. She looked at me the other day and said: "You seem a lot happier now." Wow, it was a reality check for me. Again, I started thinking about and evaluating myself. I am strong, and I am changing to become a better version of myself. I am already prou...

Okay, two posts in one day? I might be going insane, or I might be procrastinating the six student assignments that I have to do soon. Oh well. I have finally found it, the show that I could actually watch again and again. While I've had friends who have watched shows like Friends or How I Met Your Mother over and over again, I've never really found that show that makes me want to just watch it more than once. Well, that's changed. I've found my show. Madam Secretary. Yep, that's the one. It sounds utterly mundane to probably most of you, but I love it. The protagonist is real and so relatable. And her relationship with her husband? Oh man, THAT is the relationship that I want one day. Elizabeth and Henry (the main characters) are the spitting image of the marriage that I want to have one day if it is even possible. I could go on and on, but I'll let y'all watch how they interact. From a writer's standpoint, the characters are dynamic! They change;...

Yesterday was my first exam of the semester, and it was intense. I was mentally exhausted after the exam and just wanted to stay at home and clean my apartment (something I had planned to do on Wednesday afternoon or Thursday). Oh man, do my friends know my ways. A couple of my friends and I had grabbed lunch after our exam. On the way back to school, they mentioned possibly going to the local brewery or something that night and invited me along. I politely declined, feeling like I would prefer a nice, introverted night. I got a text about 5ish last night saying that all of my friends were at an apartment and to come over there. We were all going out to eat even me. Ah, my friends just know me and know to not give me options that I can refuse haha. (Or I will.) So, the five of us crammed into a car and headed to Buffalo Wild Wings. Now, normally I hate that place almost as much as I dislike O'Charley's. I always have to search for something that sounds appetizing at both pl...

Recently, I have started holding office hours for my first-year students that I am mentoring. Basically, I just make myself available at the school for two hours on two nights a week. If anyone would like help practicing, I am ready! If not, I have two hours of uninterrupted study time. Well last night, towards the end of my two hours, I got a notification on my phone that it was going to rain. I started packing up my stuff so that I could leave as soon as my time was over. I looked out the window and saw that it was pouring outside. I wish I could have been happy about the rain at that moment, but I was frustrated that I was going to have to stay longer at school. It was still raining softly when I started walking to my apartment. All of a sudden I remembered how I use to love looking up at the sky during a rainstorm. I would treasure the raindrops as they hit my face and try to catch some on my tongue. When I realized that I had lost that sense of amazement and wonder, I was a bi...

It is extremely hard to believe this time a year ago I was a first-year medical student. It seems more like a lifetime ago. I had no idea what was going on or what to expect. Now, as a second-year medical student, I'm on the other side. I have the privilege of being a teaching assistant at my school to help a group of first-year students with their clinical skills. Seeing their anxieties and fears about the upcoming semester, it has made me think back to my first few months of medical school. If I could go back and give myself any advice, I would tell myself ten simple things. Trust me, I have already or will share these tips with all of my kiddos. I love them already and am cheering for their success, but I digress. 1. IT WILL BE OKAY. Medical school seems absolutely overwhelming. The instructors always talk about how the amount of material is like drinking from a fire hose. When you couple that with trying to manage friends and family back home, possible pets, and who knows w...

You know those questions that adults love to ask? Like what are you doing nowadays (since you are now a college graduate)? How is life? The list goes on and on. Well when I first got back to the Birmingham area after my first semester of medical school, everyone loved to ask me questions about the new experience. The most common question was: how is medical school? At first, I was honest and would always reply that it was tough or difficult. You could automatically see the judgment in the other person's face. It was like the word difficult meant that I struggled in my classes and barely made it through. I would try to explain that my grades were good and that the amount of material was the difficult new aspect, but the original judgment remained. Thus, I started just saying that it was fun. I mean, I wasn't lying. My first year of medical school was fun, but it was also difficult. These generic questions were flowing quite well tonight at my dad's Sunday school party....

John Shedd once said, "a ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for." This quote can be changed to refer to cars, people, and so many other aspects. You don't buy a boat to just have it sit in port. You buy a boat to go fishing, go skiing, or to just move from one place on the water to the other. The boat's purpose is to move along the top of the water, not to sit still. We too as humans were made to move. We are to keep moving forward. My college had the motto: Forward Ever, and it rings true even though I have graduated. Throughout the craziness of life's ups and downs, we keep marching forward into the future. When a certain situation doesn't go our way, we move forward. When we don't get the job, college, graduate school (and others) that we wanted so badly, we move on. We keep moving forward. We brave the open seas of life because that is what we are made to do. About a week ago I got a crack in my windshield, the same windsh...

One of my favorite times of the day is sunset and dusk. I love just sitting wherever I am and just taking in the colors and watching the light fade. I think about how different weather patterns across the world contribute to the view that I am able to watch, and it amazes me. In the future, I would absolutely love to learn more behind the chemistry that contributes to sunsets.  So why in the world am I talking about sunsets? Well, they are a reminder in my mind that the day is ending. Today at my summer work was a bit tough for me. I made one simple mistake in a program that caused future mistakes that caused me so much confusion and headache. I spent about thirty minutes to an hour trying to find out what was wrong. Once I found that mistake, I felt so frustrated with myself. On top of that, I have a cold currently. Every five minutes it seemed like I had to get up from my desk to go to the bathroom to blow my nose. It was frustrating to say the lease. When I finally got home, ...

I believe that the first time I ever heard the term "imposter syndrome" was last summer before medical school on Twitter. I had no idea what it was, so, of course, I Googled it (like many of us do when we encounter something unknown and new). Basically, it refers to when someone feels like their accomplishments are inadequate for whatever reason and fear that they will be exposed as an imposter and humiliated. (If you want to read more about this, here is a pretty good article  https://time.com/5312483/how-to-deal-with-impostor-syndrome/ ). When I discovered the definition, I wondered why any doctor would feel such a way. I mean he or she has conquered medical school and residency and has the knowledge to prove it, right? I didn't really understand the term. Oh, but that changed this summer. I have had the wonderful opportunity to move back to Birmingham for the summer to research with a local hospital. The research centers on the specialty that I would basically sell...

So it is officially summer for this tired medical student. I apologize for not writing before now, but the riptide of medical school swept me out to the sea of exams and studying for a couple months. There will most likely be a celebratory post at some point, but it is not this one. I came across this quote this morning, and it has stuck with me. It is exemplified in why kids practice certain sports to become good at it. If they never practiced, they would stay the same. Or, in the same vein, if someone wants a certain job, but never applies for the position, the happiness of obtaining the job would never occur. Basically, for a bigger event or action to happen, a possibly smaller, initiating action must occur.  I believe that this quote really summarizes how I am feeling during this summer. There are many opportunities that I would love to occur in the future, but there has to be a change in order for them to happen. Because of my desire for these situations, this summer has...

I apologize for not posting in a bit. Spring Break was technically last week, but it continued into this week psychologically for me. So I have been moving extremely slow these past three days. So the only major thing about week 2 was medical school prom. My boyfriend came down and spent the weekend in Dothan. We went to see Captain Marvel, which is amazing. I highly recommend Captain Marvel to anyone who has not seen it or would love to see it again. We hung out all weekend, and it was a much needed break from medical school. Prom was amazing. My friend and I got ready at her house and then drove to the event. The venue was absolutely gorgeous. There were two large rooms, probably ball rooms. There were indoor tables set up in order for dinner. While outside, there was a DJ and a couple of bars set up. The outside of the venue was amazing. There were two metal spiral staircases, a large fountain, and many other photo opportunity places. There were overhead string lights an...